I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
