Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
