I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
