Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
