I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
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I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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