Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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