i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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