i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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