Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
