why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
