I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I cut my penus on the lid.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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