So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
