I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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