I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
