At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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