that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
