I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
