I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
