the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm really busy with my period
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