If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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