so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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