This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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