I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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