Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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