you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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