dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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