I accidentally had phone sex last night
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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