a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You need a sexual gate keeper
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
