I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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