I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
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Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
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Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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