they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
