is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
