I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
