I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
