im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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