this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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