i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
