forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
BRING THE BAGELS
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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