My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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