i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
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He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
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Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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