So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
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Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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