I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
