dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
