Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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