Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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