Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
