The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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