I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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