Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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