omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
