Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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