Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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