So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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