i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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