on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
